“If I do seem unreasonable every once in a while, then - oh, well - remember that I’m a man who’s overwhelmed by a sea of sorrows.”
— Henrik Ibsen, The Wild Duck
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To my first love,
As my 21st year comes to end, I wanted to make amends with my past relationships and come to terms with my regrets. So here I am, trying to make amends with my greatest regret, you. I remember we met summer of 2010, when I was nothing more than a fucking child. I fell in love with you and that was when I learned that maybe love at first sight did exist. And it did.
I remember how excited I was every time I got to see you, and I remember thinking goddamn he is so good looking. How could he ever love some ugly child like me? Then it happened, the guy of my dreams told me he liked me. And I swore to myself that I was going to do every thing in my power to hold onto you.
But then I grew up. And god, at 16 I didn’t even know who I was let alone what I wanted. I thought I had it all figured out. I thought I was this great ass girl who was brilliant and knew what I wanted & so ambitious. Haha, well I really was ambitious as hell. But I definitely didn’t know who the hell I was and I still don’t. If only I knew that back then, instead of blaming it on you and our relationship for my own selfish needs. You didn’t deserve that.
Then at 18, I fucked things up again with you. Even years after we broke up, you still stayed by my side. And loved me in a way I never deserved. You’ve always been my guardian angel and I never realized it until I lost you completely. Took me a little too late to realize that we could work. When I did, I wanted you back but I was too selfish to realize how unfair it was for you to just drop everything and give into what I wanted. At 19, I was still selfish as hell and expected you to just give me what I wanted instead of thinking about you & what you wanted and deserved.
I haven’t thought about you for awhile, until my mom mentioned you not going in the Temecula shop because my car was parked outside. I realized how bad I must have fucked you over that you didn’t even want to be near me. Like wow, I really fucked things up. I miss you, so goddamn much. And I wish I could text you up and ask you’re doing but I can’t. I know that. Then for the first time, I tried to remember our relationship and where things went wrong and god… I can’t fucking remember a thing about why we broke up and why things were bad. Or if they were even bad. I only remember good memories like us laughing and you being stupid and being mean to me. Calling me han Khùng.
Anyways, I know things can’t ever be okay again because once the wind leaves it can never go back to where it once was. I know that now. And I also know now that I will always love Phong Tran because you are my first love. A part of me will always love you & miss you. But because I love you, I never again will I ever step into your life. Because you deserve more than your past keeps fucking up your present.
I’m genuinely so happy for you, that you found someone who loves you the way you deserve. I was selfish back then that I thought I could always love you better. But our time has passed. And no matter how much I regret it, I have to love you enough to accept that time cannot wait for us nor forgive our mistakes. So, I genuinely wish the best for you and the path you’ve chosen for yourself. Please don’t ever stop smiling because you have the most beautiful smile.
Thank you, for letting me experience the greatest first love.
“Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man. No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.”
— John F. Kennedy
“Fall in love with someone who will never let you go to sleep wondering if you still matter.”
— Unknown
“No one is going to rescue you from yourself—your inner demons, your lack of confidence, your dissatisfaction with yourself and your life. Only self-love and good decisions will rescue you.”
— Jenni Young